Oh no! Is it really all my fault?
I came across an article the other day that spoke about blame. It mentioned that when we get fired or fail at work, we typically have one of two reactions. The first is to blame our boss. He was out to get me. She was threatened by me. The second is to blame ourselves. It was all my fault. I’m incompetent. And I smell bad too.
It goes on to say that in some situations, these reactions may be totally appropriate. Yet blaming ourselves often makes us weaker and leaves our confidence shattered. Blaming others makes us weaker too and prevents us from learning from our own mistakes. Personally, I live by the philosophy that there is always a lesson to be learned from mistakes, sometimes we see it straightaway, sometimes it takes a little time and sometimes a lot of time (sometimes we don’t even see it but the lesson is there, always).
However in the article it mentions that there’s a third response that’s more accurate and more effective. And it can help us not just bounce back, but forward.
Think about how many parties there are in a relationship, are there really only two? Experts say that there are actually three: you, the other person, and the relationship itself.
This can be true for all of your relationships, romantic, work, family,… So, what if we stopped asking “who’s at fault?” and instead asked the question “how can we work better together?”
In other words: It’s not me. It’s not you. It’s us.
The article points out that there is evidence that when people get negative feedback at work, when they attribute it to the relationship rather than just to the individuals involved, they don’t wallow in self-pity or lash out in anger. They become motivated to improve. They work on their relationships.
That doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or failing to hold others accountable. It means realizing that in many of our struggles, the biggest problem lies not in individuals but in relationships. Asking the question “how can we work better together” is key to finding happiness and motivation at work. Actually, it is key for improving all relationships.
It is also liberating to know that you don’t have to like everyone and think everyone is great or even be friends with everyone, you just have to find a way of working better together. Yes, by asking yourself how you can work better together, you can even improve your relationship with the admin person behind the desk that is asking you to fill in yet another form (sigh!).
In time, finding what motivates you and what motivates others, what your strengths and weaknesses are, what you are good at and what you enjoy, will help you to improve your relationships. Given more time, you may start to notice what others are good at and what they enjoy. You may even find yourself encouraging others to do what they are good at (yes, even if you don’t like them, that part becomes irrelevant).
Go on, give it a try! Improve your relationships and notice how it impacts your life.
Have a wonderful day.
Lisa
www.lbcoaching.ch / www.lbreiki.ch
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